Reflecting

It seems like so long ago...Mother's Day of 2011 when Jeff and I first talked seriously and openly about adoption.  God started leading, and we started following.  It seemed like the way was very curvy, not straight like I would prefer!

I was scared, but so determined and so in love with God.  I remember asking God for a sign that we should proceed.  I remember Jeff telling me the next night of a financial development that was the sign I had asked for.  

Just a few weeks later, this face scrolled past on the Reece's Rainbow website.   

And I felt a tug at my heart.  That tiny, almost imperceptible increase in heart rate, and the catch of breath in the throat, when I thought, was that God?  And then I spent the next few moments rationalizing why God wouldn't speak to me in a breath-catch.  And how God probably doesn't even speak to anyone these days anyway, right? I mean, there's no more burning bushes, for pete's sake.  And then a thought popped in: "God speaks to people all the time and you know it".  Okay, but we're already on a different adoption path.  We can't change now.  We already had our sights set on Bulgaria, and this little girl wasn't from Bulgaria.  

God kept nudging. 

I started praying.  God if this is your plan, then let Jeff be on board.  I'll know this was just my own desires and not yours if Jeff says we should stick with the Bulgaria plan.  I need another sign!

Jeff came home from work.  I cried and showed him the picture above.  

He did not say we should stick with the Bulgaria plan.  

And away we went.  

This is the photo of Elena we received at the time of referral except it was in black and white:

And this is the first moment we laid eyes on her:

And this is her now, home for 7 weeks:

She is blossoming into an amazing, beautiful little person.  What is she like?  She's silly, resilient, loving, genuinely happy.  She's still somewhat unsure of herself and her place in our family.  She's learning to speak, learning to be a sister, learning to feel safe.  She's learning what it means to have a mom and a dad who mean business because they love her like crazy.

When we left the orphanage on May 21st, they gave us some photos of Elena from her two and a half years there.  This is one of them:

Look at her face!  "Is anyone coming for me?"  

Yes Lena, we came for you.  We're always here for you now.  You are ours forever.

If you have ever felt the slightest whisper of an inkling of a thought of a tingle up your spine to adopt a child, don't ignore it.  The orphan crisis hurtles ever onward.  Children are left to grow up with caretakers who do their best, but to be honest, are just doing a job!  A low-paying job at that.  

Do you know that no one ever came to visit Elena in the two and a half years she was in the orphanage?  NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON.  No family.  No prospective adoptive parents.  Truly abandoned.  How can that be???

There is no good reason.  There will never be any satisfactory answer to that question, except that we were destined to be her parents, so all others were kept away by our Heavenly Father who knows all things and plans all things perfectly.  

Can you imagine this treasure kept in the darkness for even a minute longer than she was?

She was definitely "riches stored in secret places" and I'm so grateful that God leveled the mountains and cut through bars of iron to make a way for us.

There are SO many orphans, and they continue to burden my heart.  The children on Reece's Rainbow barely scratch the surface of the number who wait, without hope, without love, without their basic needs met, without a family to love and protect them forever.  So many "special needs" are so easily managed, they become a non-issue very quickly.  There is absolutely no reason why these children should be without families. Yes, adoption can be hard, and yes it is sacrifice, and yes it is scary and challenging at times.  But there is so much joy, so much growth, so much grace!!  I wish you could have heard the celebration in our home when Elena said "milk" ("muk") for the first time.  You would have thought we had won the lottery.  The look of pride on Elena's face when she communicates and we understand.  When she comes up and hugs my thigh or grabs my hand to rub her cheek on it.  When she's running/squealing/playing with her brother and sisters.  These moments make up for everything that is hard, plus some.  

If God is whispering to you, whisper back "okay, yes, I'll go".  If He has brought this before you, move forward with confidence that He will meet your every need on the journey!

I'll leave you with "Alban".  Have mercy!  I mean really!  

Be still my breaking heart.  Could he be your riches stored in a secret place?

http://reecesrainbow.org/41147/alban

One Month Ago Today...

...Elena left the only life she'd ever known...

...and became a part of our family...

...forever!

What If I Had Said No

What if I had said no to God?

No God, I can't adopt this child.  I'm too scared.

No God, I can't do this; it's just too hard!

No God, this could mess up my perfect life.  My perfect family.

No God, I don't have enough money.

No God, this requires giving up too much control.

No God, I love my idols much more than I love your will for my life.

I would have missed this:

and this:

and this:

Thumbs up!

In just five days, I already see a life transforming.

She's been to Target and loved it!  (Her life is now complete).  

She's eaten Papa Murphy's pizza and loved it.  

She's had her first peanut butter and jelly sandwich:

She's had her first splash in a pool in the hot valley sun with her brother and sisters:

She's snuggled up with her sister:

Soaked up the warmth of the cement while giggling with her brother:

Oh my heart, what if I had said no?!  

This treasure for our family would not have come home.  This treasure would have gone to waste.  This treasure would have grown up with revolving caretakers.  This treasure would have been put on the streets as a young teenager.  And after that, I can't even think about what might have happened.

God did all of this.  He orchestrated each moment to come to this day.  All I did was give a measly little, shaky, terrified yes, that I fretted over and cried about and questioned for days.  I sobbed to Kristen, I whined to my mom, I layed awake at night with a pit of fear in my stomach.  God ignored (or tolerated) my multiple crises of confidence and did the rest.  

People say they could never adopt.  Me neither!!!  No way!  It's just too scary and too hard.  But for God, nothing is impossible, nothing is too difficult.  And I was so stupid to be so scared the whole time, because, of course, God can do it.  

And now all I can think when I look at her precious face, when I hear her call me "momma", when she hugs my neck tight, when she kisses me or touches my face, is, what if I had said no?

Saturday-Coming Home!!!

Saturday morning could not come fast enough!  I was so ready to come home.

And I can't be sure, but I think this little Russian-American was excited too.

Lord have mercy!  What a long flight from Moscow to New York.  10 hours of not much to do.  Elena did great though.  She didn't get motion sickness and she held on to sanity for as long as toddlery possible.  

See that look in my eye?  It says "please slip me some Valium".  But we made it through!

At JFK, we bought some strawberries and blueberries for about a million dollars.  I believe from the way she looked at them that they were her first ever, so it was worth the fortune.  As her mom, I missed out on a lot of her firsts, but we're finding there's still lots of "firsts" to experience together!  

Thank you Kristen for her fantastic 'newly American' shirt!

Then we were back on a plane for another 6 hours, most of which Elena slept.  She slept for most of the car ride home as well.  We arrived home at 11 pm and put Elena to bed.  She slept until 6:30 am!  We were some pretty exhausted travelers.

Thursday and Friday

I missed yesterday!  Jeff left in the morning for an Embassy errand and when he got back we walked to Red Square.  It was a pretty long walk and a chilly day.  Glad we had our knitted hat from Brandy to keep Elena warm!

We finally made it to Red Square and there was some kind of festival going on.  It was packed with people and many of the places we had visited on our first trip were blocked off with gates, metal detectors and guards.

So we had to take our St. Basil's pictures from a distance!  But that's okay.

Then we took a picture with this statue.  I have to figure out who it is.

Then today we had our Embassy appointment.  We had to go the the Embassy and stay in a room for about 1.5 hours.  Elena did great.  There were other families there with their adopted children.  We met one of the families from our Reece's Rainbow group, Marj and her cutie Ella. We got Elena's passport and visa and were on our way.  

Tomorrow we come home!  Elena will become a US citizen!  I am sooo ready.  Elena is a runner, as we have seen, so I'm slightly frightened about waiting at the gate and our layover at JFK.  But we will do our best and pray pray pray!  

Wednesday

Today was our free day.  We had no embassy errands to run.  It was a little alarming to know the whole day was ours and it was up to us to entertain this little lady!  But we had a plan.  The park.

But we decided to kill a little time at the apartment first, so we did a little vacuuming.  My girl is just so "helpful".

The park was nice.  It wasn't what I had anticipated after what happened at the zoo yesterday.  I thought she would go wild.  But she just wanted to observe the other children.  She was pretty quiet--just stood and watched them.  She did go down the slide twice, chased a couple pigeons, and picked up trash and put it in the trash can (little helper).  But mostly she just kid-watched, even while she was on the swings.  

Backing up a little, on Monday after Elena threw up all over herself, I had to give her a shower when we got to the apartment.  She'd been through a lot that day, and the shower was probably just too much for her.  She was crying and shaking.  So on Tuesday we did a little shower practicing to take the horror out of it.

This is what happened in the shower tonight:

Such a change!  She was sooo happy in the shower.  I wasn't sure what to expect after the first time.  But when she was all undressed she hopped up into the shower herself!  I washed her first and then handed over the sprayer.  She was happy as a clam!  She pretended to put soap on herself and wash it off ten thousand times.  Then she'd wash the floor and the walls.  She'd look at me and smile and then look out at Jeff, making sure he was watching too.  

She has been sleeping really well.  She cries before every nap and bedtime.  Sometimes she sits up and rocks a little while sucking her thumb.  And sometimes she gets out of bed and we just pull her back in.  Eventually, she surrenders and falls asleep.  

Tuesday

Elena slept most of the night through.  She cried out a couple of times but put herself back to sleep, sucking her thumb.  We never saw her suck her thumb during any of our visits at the baby house.  But now we see her doing it frequently throughout the day and always at night.  It makes me feel so sad for her, to know the anxiety she must be feeling, and I can't really explain anything to her.

This morning she had her physical to complete the Embassy paperwork required to get her visa.  Once we were in the exam room, Elena got very nervous and started whimpering and shaking.  It made me a little bit sick to my stomach for her.

After the appointment, we took her to the Moscow Zoo.  It is a fun and friendly place, and the day was so warm.  It started out great.

Elena loved the animals and was making all kinds of chirping noises.  We went into a petting area with goats and chickens and guinea pigs.  I thought Elena was going to put herself in orbit, she was so excited.

It was a bit of a downward spiral from there.  Elena wanted to get out of the stroller and run.  She didn't want to walk holding hands or let one of us hold her.  We weren't comfortable having her run away from us and there were so many people.  So Elena had a couple of meltdowns. 

We got back to the apartment and put her down for a nap.  She cried and kicked around for about one minute and then she fell asleep.  I can't even imagine what a 2 year old brain does with all this new stimulation and experiences.  

Pictures!!

Here are the pictures I thought I couldn't post!  A friend told me I could put my SD card into the laptop.  YAY for smart friends!

Leaving the baby house.

In the car.

Waiting for passport photo.

Out and about in Moscow!

We Have Elena!

I can not believe this.  We don't have the cable that connects the camera to the laptop!  So no pictures!  I am so upset that I forgot that!

We picked Elena up from the baby house this morning and it was so wonderful!  A nurse dressed her in the clothes we brought and we they brought her to us, she was so proud of her new shoes.  She showed everyone.

We got in the car to go and Elena was looking out at the cars and trees.  She seemed to get tired.  Sometimes she would make gagging noises.  We weren't sure what that was all about but we found out later on.  Anyway, she fell asleep pretty quickly and we had to wake her up when we got to the passport office.

She was great taking her photo and waiting for the application to be filed.  I gave her a squishy purple hedgehog toy and she played with that.  She did try to walk away a couple of times and she would randomly go up to people and talk to them.

On our way back to the apartment, she gagged some more.  I got a kleenex out and put it up to her face.  Sure enough, she vomited.  The kleenex was quickly toast.  More vomit.  All down the front of her.  All over the seat of Igor's car.  Igor handed us a plastic bag--more vomit into that.  Then she seemed okay.  Then a few minutes later, more vomit, projecting out even further onto the floor.  Nice!!  Poor baby gets motion sick.  Yay for 12 hour plane rides?

Finally we got to the apartment.  I stripped off her icky clothes.  She seemed to know what was happening and took off her glasses.  But then I put her in the shower and she started crying.  She didn't like it at all!  The water was nice and warm but she didn't like it on her skin.  I got her hair wet and that was even worse.  She cried the whole time so I did the whole shower lightning fast.  She was instantly back to herself once I turned off the water and took her out of the shower.

I made her a little premade toddler meal of pasta, peas and carrots and a sliced banana.  The banana was quickly eaten and the pasta was quickly refused!

Then we put her in a stroller and went for a walk.  She seemed a little unsure at first, gripping the sides of the stroller, but then she loved it.  I gave her some puffs in a snack trap and she ate those as we went along.  Sometimes she'd offer us a puff or two.  Such a sweetie.  After she had finished the puffs, she started singing songs.

Then back in the apartment.  The place where there are just too many things to get into, even as sparse as our apartment is!  The garbage can in the kitchen is especially interesting.  We can't keep her hands out of it and the more we say no, the more she laughs and tries to do it!  This should be interesting!

Overall, she is handling the newness of everyt like a real trooper!  This has been the most amazing day.  I.am.exhausted!  I wonder how bedtime will go tonight?  I'm praying we can all sleep!

I so wish I could post pictures!  Kristen, she is wearing her I Heart Auntie Kristen shirt today!  I will show you the picture of her in it when I get home--it fits her perfectly!

On Our Way

"There's always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in".  -Graham Geene

Is this Elena's moment?  The seriousness of that is not lost on me.  Nor is the joy!

But this is all God's.  Not mine.  No, never mine.  I read on a blog, The Blessing of Verity, how God was helping the author to release her death grip on The Way Things Should Be.  I'm pretty sure when she wrote that she was channeling me.  God is stretching me, coaxing me to release that grip.  He's training me to never take my eyes off him.  Change is always scary, but when it's directed by God, it's always good.

He has done so much work in me the past few months, and I know there is so much more work to come.  But if I've learned anything, it's that there's so much joy in seeking Him.

The thought of having a new daughter is so delightful!  The thought of teaching another child the blessing of our Savior is such an honor!  I'm so grateful that God is allowing me to do this!  And I'm so grateful that He gave me such an awesome husband to experience this with!

So.

The suitcases are packed.  One full of little girl things.  A shirt with glitter and a bow to match...a hat knitted with love...toys that light up and play music...shoes that may or may not fit....snacks snacks and more snacks...

How exciting to be on the brink of a new adventure!

Please pray for us and please pray for Elena!  We are on our way!

Raffle!

Look at the thermometer!!  I just added our tax return and some very generous donations we got last week from some very wonderful people.  Pretty unbelievable.

Our pancake breakfast is almost here!  If you'd still like to buy a raffle ticket, we've got some wonderful prizes up for grabs!  Besides the iPad, we've also got a $100 Walmart gift card, and 5 sets of beautifully hand-crafted earrings!  If you're local, we've got a wonderful photography session through Moments Remembered Photography! Raffle tickets are $5 each, and you can donate using the button right in the right hand column.  Let me know if you purchase tickets online and I'll put them in the pot with your name on them!  I'll be picking the winner out of the pot on this Saturday morning!  I'm so excited!

If you're local, come to our pancake breakfast this Saturday morning--we're cooking up pancakes, eggs, and bacon for $8 a person at New Hope Church from 8-10:30 am.  1720 E Las Palmas Ave in Patterson.  I hope to see you there and I hope you win the raffle prizes!  

He's Roaring Like a Lion

Elena Kathryn Benham

Born January 25, 2010

Adopted April 13, 2012

Elena Kathryn Benham, you are forever a part of our family today.  You are my daughter, you are a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a child of God.  You are loved, you are treasured, you are ours. 

Today, I heard a Russian judge declare you mine.

In the background, I heard God roaring like a lion.

Today, God said there will be one less orphan in this world. 

There will be one less orphan to be swallowed up by the streets of Moscow in 14 years.
God said, you belong to Me, and not the darkness.
I will set you, lonely one, in a family.  Today!


Elena, we so joyfully receive you into our family in the name of Jesus Christ.




"²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."  Ephesians 3:20


⁵ A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, 
   is God in his holy dwelling. 
⁶ God sets the lonely in families,^[b] 
   he leads forth the prisoners with singing; 
   but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.  Psalm 68:5-6
   

Visit Two

We spent a few minutes in the play room this morning before going out for a walk.  How cute are her little leggies???

Here Elena is eating a 'hamburger patty'.  Jeff, Alla and I all got to have little bites too.

One of the cutest things today was when Elena jumped like a bunny.  

She is just cute as a button!  

God was so good to give us a really good visit today.  We are learning more about our little girl.  And she's learning about us too.  At one point, when Jeff was teasing her and she was giggling, she turned around and ran straight over to me, right into my arms.  I scooped her up and twirled her around and she squealed.  My heart flipped.  It was a little glimpse of heaven, a glimpse of what I hope will become part of our everyday.

We don't have too many pictures from today.  We went outside a few moments later and the camera sometimes feels like it hinders our playing anyway.  So we gave our camera to Alla, who gave it to the social worker, who took pictures with it of a sweet little boy in the baby house who's American momma is waiting waiting waiting to come get him.  I was able to email the pictures to her today and I hope it helps her tender momma's heart!

After our visit, Igor drove us to Arbat Street and we were able to enjoy walking up and down the street in the nice weather, checking out all the shops.  

It was nice to have sun.

Tomorrow (Friday) we have court at 9:30 am, which is 10:30 pm Thursday night for California.  (And 12:30 am in Kansas Amy!  :o))  I don't know what it will be like and the unknown always makes me jittery!  Prayers for an easy and smooth appointment would be so much appreciated!